Tuesday, December 23, 2008


How wonderful would it be if it were so simple that we could erase our fears daily. Would they re-materialize the next day- that’s what I would like to know? It doesn’t say. And if I write it down say at 8:00 AM approximately what time could I expect that they would be erased? By 8:00 PM maybe? That would give everyone 12 hours of fearless joy. Ok maybe JOY is pushing it a little. 12 hours at least to reflect on your fear before it reappears. Do you think it’s possible to reflect hard enough in one 12 hour period to assuage the fear permanently? Or would it take several 12 hour periods to do so? If so, how many, and would they need to be consecutive? These are the questions that meander through my mind. Nothing is that simple. Besides given those hours, its really not 12 hours if you intend to sleep.

I personally have been held back in my life because of fear. I fear a lot of things. I also fear fear. Mostly I fear failure, not being good enough. Good enough for whom I’m not sure. I strive for goodness and sometimes I fail. I disappoint myself. I often fear emotions and feelings, as I cannot bear the depth of them. I fear straying from “what is expected of me” behaviors. Ironically a lot of people would say the opposite about me, but really I stay pretty close to the edge. my crayons may slip over the line from time to time, but never too far. I barely leave my house let alone my neighborhood. I expose my true self to few people. I fear being compromised. I don’t want to have to append anything to who I am. It took too long to get here and I have appended and discarded so much of myself that at times I need to look in the mirror to make sure it’s me. then of course I gained 50 pounds and didn’t recognize myself anyway so it didn’t matter that the person didn’t fit the face. I digress. Maybe I should end this subject. I’m afraid of where I will go next.

TAKE-AWAY POINT: never let fear hold you back from living your life. that would be a waste.

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