Wednesday, March 25, 2009

dodging turkeys

Yesterday was to be my last road trip with my cherished 1997 Nissan Maxima that I adoringly called Maxi – an appropriate name as it was like being enveloped in a made-for-a-big-woman pad. But the time had come to put her to rest. The struts were totally gone and it became more like riding bare back on the LAP of a big-woman atop a bucking bronco. On a few occasions my head actually hit the roof on a pot hole rebound. This always made me laugh for some reason. Besides, Maxi had developed so many unidentifiable noises that it became nearly impossible to have a cell phone conversation. “Where the hell are you!!!” my sister would scream, “you sound like you’re on an aircraft carrier!” She would get so pissed at me, like it was my fault!

At any rate, it was time to let go. I decided to go environmentally correct and purchase a small, energy efficient Scion XD (intended for the young I might add―not for 50-somethings…but I decided to go with this rather than to plump my lips with collagen injections).

On route to work I saw a flock of wild turkeys making their way onto highway I-95. Traffic was moving at approximately 85 miles an hour – typical for north of Boston traffic. Suddenly everyone is dodging turkeys, cars swinging from lane to lane, horns blaring, arms flailing from windows. I burst out laughing. The road in front me had cleared of traffic and there stood a wide-eyed black thing with that disgusting red dangling thing―I couldn’t help myself―I took aim! I wanted Maxi to have a memorable last ride, and besides those bastard turkeys are ugly to the bone! I had the whole visual―I would go tonight to pick up my new car with turkey guts splattered across the windshield, feathers sticking out of the grill, head lodged under the wiper! This made me laugh even harder! I thought of my father with whom I share a macabre sense of humor and couldn’t contain myself. With all the laughter and car bouncing going on, I missed my target! I was pissed! My only chance to fold the little fucker and I MISSED!

Oh well. It all turned out for the best as my new XD had a slight flaw and I was unable to pick it up. I would have been horrified to have driven home with the splatters of an uncooked Thanksgiving dinner on my windshield.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

handprints on my heart

most of them keep me warm and carry me through my life, some hurt like hell, others piss me off, but I will never let any of them fade away.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

god's wrath

So let’s see if I have this straight, god (and I won’t capitalize since this god surely is not a god of love, light and kindness), is about to lay his wrath upon us and ravage major cities across the United States (fires, riots, looting in Times Square and so on – how exciting!) apparently because he is pissed at all the raging sins of America – this according to the esteemed Pastor David Wilkerson who allegedly received a message directly from the Holy Spirit. Please take the time to read David’s most interesting insights!

Most importantly take heed of David’s suggestion to stockpile a 30-day supply of food and toiletries. I assume this also means an adequate supply of tampons and duck tape, god forbid any democrats, Jews or homosexuals try to squeeze themselves into your safe zone! The tampons along with the duck tape could also be used for gagging purposes in the event some Muslims slip through the cracks.

I want to know who these people are that believe such things. I want to know what their God looks like. Actually I would really like to know what THEY look like. I want to be able to recognize them so I can make sure to throw things at them should they pass in front of me.

And what exactly are the raging sins of America?

Abortion? Clearly these are the same people that stand in front of abortion clinics protesting. My partner J once took a friend to an abortion clinic, she had been raped. There was a woman there yelling out quotes from scripture as they passed by. J couldn’t help herself; she approached the good christian (again not deserving of capitalization) and asked if she would be willing to take the child if her friend carried it to term. The protester turned her back and walked away. Apparently she wasn’t christian enough, or at the very least, interested in caring for an unwanted child. She just wanted to let them know that god hated them. I’ll bet she was really ugly, but does god love ugly people? I should remember to ask if I ever cross paths with such a person.

Homosexuals? Oh boy!

"Homosexual Sodomites came out of their closet and became activists, casting a demonic spell over a whole generation of men and boys. They grew politically powerful, controlling everything. Sodom became the world's gay capital, a society so vile, wicked and crazed with violence that its sins thundered throughout the heavens, filling God's holy environment with a hellish cry"; this according to the most honorable David. See full article. It’s a delightful read and so informative.

I’m not really sure I need to go on. It’s just more of the same. And it simply exhausts me trying to take in all this important and pertinent information.

I just want to know if I should be hording some hotdogs. I especially need to know if there would be any backlash to specifically having Hebrew National’s kosher Jumbo Beef Franks as they are my favorite…or would that lessen my chances of surviving the forthcoming cataclysmic events.

TAKE-AWAY POINT: If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. Woody Allen

Sunday, March 08, 2009

things that irritate me

I was in the grocery store today, on a Sunday, the first sunny warmish day New England has enjoyed in what seems like 2 years. Ok so - that is an exaggeration, but suffice it to say it was beautiful out and I didn’t want to be grocery shopping. Besides, I would rather be eating food than shopping for it any day and I was starving at the time although I try never to go food shopping hungry. I inevitably come home with things I have no idea what to do with, but somehow look appetizing at the moment. By the time they mold over and are being heaved into the trash bin, slime oozing out of the bag, I haven’t a clue what they were to begin with. At any rate, I overcame my hunger and stuck to the list in hand. (Actually I woke up with a belly ache but that never stops me from wanting to eat. I convince myself that what I am feeling is actually not an ache but hunger. Maybe a little food will help?!)

Anyway, I have been trying to be more mindful of my spending in keeping with our economic times and am also buying store brand products rather than brand names. Some things of course I refuse to down grade, like toilet tissue. There are certain comforts I am willing to pay for. But I digress.

Back to the point. Things that irritate me …. So like I said, it’s beautiful out, I want to accomplish my shopping task in less than a hour. The bridge that crosses the Merrimack River is out of commission which means I have to get on the highway to get to the store. This already adds five extra minutes both ways to and from the store. I have done my job and taken the necessary time to compile my grocery list by isle for efficiency and I successfully wiz through the shopping list in less time than expected. Now the hard part.; picking the right checkout counter. I admit I’m not good at this, I don’t know why. I get in the shortest line being careful not to get in the lane where the woman who talks to the bagger is stationed. (She actually stops scanning things while she recalls in excruciating detail how her dog threw up last night… it must have been the leftover turkey drumstick …does the bagger really care to hear I wonder?)

Anyway, I get in lane 5. The fellow in front of me only has eight items. I should be ok. But no. PRICE CHECK! Since no one is behind me I dart for lane 12. Again I am lucky enough that the person in front of me is just about to finish up, three or four items left to scan although they are near the end of the conveyor belt. The cashier reaches for the items one by one without advancing the belt which prevents me from unloading my basket. I patiently wait. The coupons get scanned while the cashier and customer exchange pleasantries. It’s not until the total is rung up that she begins digging through her handbag, which not-for-nothing, is made from a whole cows worth of leather, to find her …no don’t say it…. CHECK BOOK! Who writes checks in this day and age??? Now we have to go through the security check, ID please, phone number exchange, great grandmother’s maiden name and so on.

I’m losing my patience. I’m trying to remain peaceful but my face which contorts without any conscious direction from me betrays the cool, calm mood I am trying to convey. They both take notice and hastily try to wrap things up.

I begin placing my items on the belt. Of course my basket has been carefully arranged by like stuffs… refrigerator items, freezer items, paper goods, can goods etc., so that they are bagged properly and in order to expedite putting everything away on the back end. All of this time saving has been carefully calculated to keep the entire process at under the projected hour.

I continue unloading my basket but the cashier is not advancing the belt, so I start pushing the items forward so I can continue. I push and push until I can push no further and then he begins the scanning process. He scans, scans some more, reaches for more, he is reaching a full arms length to get at items. ADVANCE THE BELT! I want to say, so I can keep loading and keep pace with the scanning! But NO, he keeps reaching. Finally he advances the belt two inches, enough for me to add three canned goods. I still have half my basket to empty. Time is ticking off – I am behind schedule. ADVANCE THE FUCKING BELT!! My face is the size of a prune at this point but on the outside I am calm and peaceful, even smiling when he looks up. He continues scanning, reaching, scanning, reaching. I can’t help myself, since he won’t advance the belt I begin grabbing items from my basket and throwing them into the front part of the belt that he has already cleared. He ignores me until the toilet tissues bounces off the belt and hits him in the chest. He thinks this is funny. I am furious!. So I toss the bag of limes which manage to set free of the bag and bounce in every direction. He gathers them all up and advances the belt while I composedly unload the balance of goods just shy of my time line.