Wednesday, March 25, 2009

dodging turkeys

Yesterday was to be my last road trip with my cherished 1997 Nissan Maxima that I adoringly called Maxi – an appropriate name as it was like being enveloped in a made-for-a-big-woman pad. But the time had come to put her to rest. The struts were totally gone and it became more like riding bare back on the LAP of a big-woman atop a bucking bronco. On a few occasions my head actually hit the roof on a pot hole rebound. This always made me laugh for some reason. Besides, Maxi had developed so many unidentifiable noises that it became nearly impossible to have a cell phone conversation. “Where the hell are you!!!” my sister would scream, “you sound like you’re on an aircraft carrier!” She would get so pissed at me, like it was my fault!

At any rate, it was time to let go. I decided to go environmentally correct and purchase a small, energy efficient Scion XD (intended for the young I might add―not for 50-somethings…but I decided to go with this rather than to plump my lips with collagen injections).

On route to work I saw a flock of wild turkeys making their way onto highway I-95. Traffic was moving at approximately 85 miles an hour – typical for north of Boston traffic. Suddenly everyone is dodging turkeys, cars swinging from lane to lane, horns blaring, arms flailing from windows. I burst out laughing. The road in front me had cleared of traffic and there stood a wide-eyed black thing with that disgusting red dangling thing―I couldn’t help myself―I took aim! I wanted Maxi to have a memorable last ride, and besides those bastard turkeys are ugly to the bone! I had the whole visual―I would go tonight to pick up my new car with turkey guts splattered across the windshield, feathers sticking out of the grill, head lodged under the wiper! This made me laugh even harder! I thought of my father with whom I share a macabre sense of humor and couldn’t contain myself. With all the laughter and car bouncing going on, I missed my target! I was pissed! My only chance to fold the little fucker and I MISSED!

Oh well. It all turned out for the best as my new XD had a slight flaw and I was unable to pick it up. I would have been horrified to have driven home with the splatters of an uncooked Thanksgiving dinner on my windshield.


  1. What a fond farewell this would have been...alas! But, there's always tonight's drive home. Drive carefully!

    I hate that disgusting red dangling thing, too!

  2. There are thousands on the Cape. Last year during a road trip with Laura, we came round a bend at Beach Forest and in the glaring sunshine I saw 6 large figures, as big as children, standing in the middle of the road. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" I yelled. They are surprisingly huge and surprisingly black. Not bothered at all by our presence, they continued their peck,peck,pecking pace across Rt.6. We snapped a few pictures because, well who would have believed it, and went on our way.