Wednesday, March 11, 2009

god's wrath

So let’s see if I have this straight, god (and I won’t capitalize since this god surely is not a god of love, light and kindness), is about to lay his wrath upon us and ravage major cities across the United States (fires, riots, looting in Times Square and so on – how exciting!) apparently because he is pissed at all the raging sins of America – this according to the esteemed Pastor David Wilkerson who allegedly received a message directly from the Holy Spirit. Please take the time to read David’s most interesting insights!

Most importantly take heed of David’s suggestion to stockpile a 30-day supply of food and toiletries. I assume this also means an adequate supply of tampons and duck tape, god forbid any democrats, Jews or homosexuals try to squeeze themselves into your safe zone! The tampons along with the duck tape could also be used for gagging purposes in the event some Muslims slip through the cracks.

I want to know who these people are that believe such things. I want to know what their God looks like. Actually I would really like to know what THEY look like. I want to be able to recognize them so I can make sure to throw things at them should they pass in front of me.

And what exactly are the raging sins of America?

Abortion? Clearly these are the same people that stand in front of abortion clinics protesting. My partner J once took a friend to an abortion clinic, she had been raped. There was a woman there yelling out quotes from scripture as they passed by. J couldn’t help herself; she approached the good christian (again not deserving of capitalization) and asked if she would be willing to take the child if her friend carried it to term. The protester turned her back and walked away. Apparently she wasn’t christian enough, or at the very least, interested in caring for an unwanted child. She just wanted to let them know that god hated them. I’ll bet she was really ugly, but does god love ugly people? I should remember to ask if I ever cross paths with such a person.

Homosexuals? Oh boy!

"Homosexual Sodomites came out of their closet and became activists, casting a demonic spell over a whole generation of men and boys. They grew politically powerful, controlling everything. Sodom became the world's gay capital, a society so vile, wicked and crazed with violence that its sins thundered throughout the heavens, filling God's holy environment with a hellish cry"; this according to the most honorable David. See full article. It’s a delightful read and so informative.

I’m not really sure I need to go on. It’s just more of the same. And it simply exhausts me trying to take in all this important and pertinent information.

I just want to know if I should be hording some hotdogs. I especially need to know if there would be any backlash to specifically having Hebrew National’s kosher Jumbo Beef Franks as they are my favorite…or would that lessen my chances of surviving the forthcoming cataclysmic events.

TAKE-AWAY POINT: If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. Woody Allen

1 comment:

  1. Whenever the funnymentalists start on about what the Bible says about homosexuality - please,
    remind them that in the same inane and insane part of Leviticus where it says a man that layeth with another man shall be stoned to death - it also applies the same punishment to those who pick up sticks on the Sabbath (strictly that's Saturday Guys) and to those who wear clothing made from two different types of cloth..

    such as knickers, socks....
    ooh dear, who will be left to do the stoning to death after the dressed world has been wiped out?
    Funnymentalists - trying hard to prove evolution wrong, by example...